


Airmail

by clood



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, accidental letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28224951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clood/pseuds/clood
Summary: Gon's return to Whale Island greets him with an overwhelming pile of homework to catch up on, and he starts with one he thinks will be simple, "Write a letter to the person you most admire."
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 17
Kudos: 94





	Airmail

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Adding to the lovely influx of Killugon fics being posted this holiday season is a decidedly un-holiday fic by yours truly :') 
> 
> This was basically fueled by every song Lizzie McAlpine writes, specifically [Where Do I Go?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spODndrUx64&list=PL_u1w9wImcNAtDFECivTa9UzhMC_4zj3K&index=5) and [Nothing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9yDVT8eE50&list=PL_u1w9wImcNAtDFECivTa9UzhMC_4zj3K&index=2). I just think these songs are so good for Killugon and it makes my heart ache 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!

“It’s no good,” Gon says, looking at his best friend with melancholy eyes, “If you’re here any longer… I can’t…” 

“Yeah,” Killua replies softly, knowing exactly what it is that Gon can’t say. “Well, I’m going to travel all over the world with Alluka, I’ll call you every now and then.” He pulls Alluka close and hopes his grip isn’t too tight with the effort it’s taking to keep a smile on his face. 

“Okay, me too! Let me know if anything happens, I owe you a lot” Gon shouts. He hangs on to the light blush that dusts Killua’s cheeks as he turns and begins his journey to the tree, to Ging, but stops just short of crossing the threshold of the massive gate that stands before him. 

He takes a deep breath and turns, “Just like Kite said, no matter where we go, we’ll always be friends.” He barely hears Killua’s strained response as he spins on his heel and walks off alone, truly alone, for the first time in years. 

Gon’s smile drops the instant he’s sure Killua can’t see and he fights the incredible urge to turn around and look at his best friend just one last time. He knows that if he does, his resolve to finally catch Ging will break and he will find a way to follow Killua to the ends of the earth. He knows, too, that Killua has other priorities, the words ‘second place’ ringing dully in his skull. That’s not how Killua meant it, he’s certain, but the words still carry some weight. 

So, instead of turning back and having Killua laugh at him and call him spineless, Gon’s hands tighten around the straps of his backpack and he presses on, determined to get absolutely everything he can out of Ging. 

The whole interaction is, unfortunately, everything he was expecting. Which is to say, pretty unfulfilling and dry. Gon sits with Ging for a few hours and asks him about his past and his future and his ambitions. The burning question of why, why he left him behind so easily, sits at the back of Gon’s tongue, tucked away. He knows the answer through the way Ging speaks of his journey to some unknown land and the way he keeps staring out at the horizon rather than looking at him directly. 

_Ah, he just wasn’t made to be a father._

Gon knows this to be the absolute truth now, Ging was never meant to be a role model or a parental figure to anyone, so it’s not something he should take personally. He had a great childhood without him, anyway, so who needs a dad? 

_I suppose I was never meant to be a son._

All the same, he takes a photo atop the tree to send to his Aunt Mito, his real parent, to show her that, look: I did it, I found him. He sends it to Killua and Kurapika and Leorio too, letting them know that the journey they all helped him to complete is truly over. 

The climb down the tree is a little more difficult, a little more grueling than when he made the climb up. Yes, he feels disappointed about the whole Ging thing and his shoulders ache from sleeping in a giant bird’s nest last night, but there’s something else gnawing at the base of his skull that’s making him weak and tired. It takes him the entire climb down to realize that he couldn’t harness his nen the entire time, not even once. The second blow comes when he hits the ground and remembers that Killua will not be waiting for him at the gate, but rather, he is probably already on some airship with Alluka, heading to what will be the first of many destinations on their list. 

It takes everything Gon has left in him not to immediately dial up Killua’s cell and complain about Ging and his lost nen and his loneliness. Instead, he trudges his way to the nearest dock and begins the slow, quiet journey home through the sea.

* * *

The list of things Gon is prepared to face upon his return to Whale Island is as follows:

  1. An emotionally volatile Aunt Mito, peppering him with kisses in the same breath that she berates him for his long absence and irresponsibility
  2. An elderly Abe, smiling from her rocker as her granddaughter processes her emotions and chuckling as Gon tries and fails to fend off Mito’s aforementioned attacks
  3. A grown up Kon, perhaps with babies of his own waiting to be introduced at the edge of the forest
  4. The same old wharf with the same old fishermen and the same old scenery of the island that he spent so much of his childhood wandering about alone



Not on the list, however, is the frankly comical amount of homework assignments Aunt Mito has managed to amass in the time Gon has been away. 

Gon stares at the piles and piles of paper, wondering how in the world this equates to only two years’ worth of assignments and how he is expected to finish it all in less than that time. Mito had only rolled her eyes and shoved the stacks of paperwork into his arms when he tried to protest, shuffling him upstairs and insisting he begin forthwith if he ever wants to see the light of day again. 

Rifling through the stacks, Gon searches for something that looks simple enough that it can be completed before the sun sets and the fireflies come out, something to ease into the seemingly endless pile that sits before him. 

Even this is turning out to be a task of its own; most of the assignments are looking to be reports on his whereabouts for the past two years and justifications for the use of his hunter license in the same length of time. The Hunter Association wants to know what he’s learned and how it can benefit the group, they want a report on the things he’s seen out in NGL and East Gorteau, they want to know every detail of his existence in the recent past and how much of a danger that information can be to them. But how can he even begin to summarize the things he’s done over the last few years? In what way can the adventures and ordeals he’s faced boil down to a thousand words or less?

Gon takes a breath, he can already feel as if steam could pour from his ears at any moment, there has to be an easy assignment in the pile somewhere. 

_Aha._

“Write a letter to the person you most admire.” 

That looks simple enough, Gon thinks, reaching for a notebook and a pen to crank this one out. This one, thankfully, has come from the correspondence school Aunt Mito has enrolled him in to make up for his lack of proper schooling in the years he’s been away and not actually from the Association. 

But who will he write this to? He should probably write to Ging, the single driving factor for the entire journey he’s just come home from. Surely, he can just draw from the years of admiration he harbored for this man throughout his entire childhood for the purposes of this assignment—this will be easy.

Except that it’s not. The blank sheet of paper stares back at him, mockingly, as he struggles to find a way to even begin such a letter. 

Somehow, the words, “Hi Ging, you might not have been in my life at all and are really a shit father, but you’re still sort of cool, I guess,” do not strike him as the right tone for such a letter. 

No matter how many times Gon tries again, the words elude him as he tries to paint Ging in a way that highlights his accomplishments and the things he really did love about him as a kid. He knows now that the whole point of his journey in the first place had simply been to find Ging, he never really wanted to meet him or have a relationship with him in the end. Of course, this only became clear to him as he sat next to him and the screaming birds atop the World Tree, but Gon still feels like he should be able to write something about this man.

The fact of the matter now is that he doesn’t even particularly like Ging all that much, let alone admire him. Ging turned out to be exactly what his aunt always said he was, and looking at him through slightly older and wiser eyes lets Gon know that his aunt’s feelings toward him are entirely valid. 

Gon shakes his head and leans back in his desk chair. Right. So, if the letter can’t be addressed to Ging, who has actually been there for him his whole life? The obvious answer he comes to is his aunt, the very woman who had agreed to raise him when she herself was still nothing more than a child. 

Already tired of this whole thing, Gon wearily tears out the most recent iteration of the failed letter and tosses it haphazardly, missing the trash can and watching as it rolls under his bed. He focuses, reflecting on the woman that has supported him through thick and thin. He gets out a few good lines before realizing… this isn’t quite right either. 

Of course, he loves Aunt Mito with all of his heart, and he’ll be forever grateful for the sacrifices she’s made in order for him to live a good life, but if he’s being honest it isn’t really admiration he feels toward her, but rather a deep sense of respect and gratitude. He doesn’t know how exactly those are different from admiration, but they just are. 

This is stupid, he thinks, he really should just be able to bullshit the assignment and talk about how much he loves his aunt and yet, he can’t make himself do it. Some part of him makes him feel as though he needs to be one hundred percent honest with this letter, for some god-forsaken reason, so he tears this letter out too and taps his pen on the desk. 

The dictionary in his bookshelf defines admiration as a feeling of great approval and liking. Fondness. Wonder. 

Who is he most fond of? Which of the people in his life can he say with complete confidence is the one he’d follow to the ends of the earth if they asked? When he’s in trouble, who can he count on to always show up and help him clean up the mess? Who fills him with complete awe and amazement anytime they do anything, no matter how simple?

Slowly, the answer seems to materialize out of thin air. Too hazy at first to realize who he’s thinking of, Gon starts to picture a pale hand reaching out to him in times of need and striking blue eyes reminding him of his own resolve to complete a mission. 

All of a sudden, it’s plain as day. It has to be Killua. 

Gon looks toward the window where he can see the sun setting and sighs, he really thought this would be a quick one. The fireflies bustling about are laughing at him in flashes of electric green, mocking him with their freedom and decided lack of homework they have to do. 

Clicking his tongue, Gon focuses back on the task at hand: writing this letter to Killua. 

It’s funny, how easily the words spring forth like a damn faucet. Gon finds he almost can’t stop, it’s therapeutic to talk to Killua like this. 

The assignment was to write about someone you admire, so Gon talks like he normally would, praising Killua for being so cool and complimenting him because he’s so pretty. Really, this feels like any other conversation with him and it’s so good to talk to him again. It’s only been a few months since they parted at the World Tree, and despite Killua’s promises to call, they haven’t really stayed in touch as much as he would like. This letter is just a continuation of where they left off. 

The strange thing is, though, that the more Gon writes, the stranger he feels. It’s like there’s a brick in the bottom of his stomach, weighing him down as he sings praises to his best friend. He starts thinking about the first time he saw him, so cool on his skateboard that it almost took his breath away. He thinks about how glad he was to finally see him again after the whole ordeal on Kukuroo Mountain and how much fun it was to spend every day together in Yorknew. Coming to the memories in NGL and East Gorteau, Gon feels guilty but knows there was nobody else that could have or would have stayed by his side the way Killua did. 

With each passing memory of Killua, Gon comes closer and closer to realizing the truth. So, when it finally happens on the second page of his letter, it comes as a shock, but also as something that has been ingrained in him as a fact for the last few years. 

He wants to write it, he really does. He wants to include it in this letter for Killua to read however many thousands of miles away he is, but Gon doesn’t want to burden Killua with this truth. He doesn’t want to be yet another thing standing in the way of him being with his sister. He also doesn’t want to put it out into the world and potentially ruin everything. 

After several moments of internal battle, should he or shouldn’t he, Gon comes to another realization: he has no way of sending this thing. He has no idea where Killua could be at any given moment, how long he will be there, or even how to mail things to such remote locations as the ones he is sure Alluka would want to go. On top of that, the prompt didn’t say that he had to send it anyway. These facts put him at ease, and he decides to just say it, it’s not like he’ll ever find out anyway. If he wants to properly tell him in person someday, he will, but for now his secret is safe within the confines of this letter and its envelope and this room. 

After what feels like forever spent pouring his heart out into this letter, Gon finally seals the envelope and carefully writes Killua’s name on it even though he has no address to put below it. The envelope goes right into the drawer on his bedside table that contains the Paladin’s Necklace card from Greed Island and his hunter license. 

He flops back on his bed, thankful to be done with at least one of his assignments but also feeling lighter than before thanks to having borne his soul in that letter. It feels good, he decides, being completely honest and vulnerable. As long as nobody is around to turn him down or even possibly laugh at him. Not that Killua would ever laugh at him if he knew he was serious, but he’s just thankful to have come to this realization at a time when he doesn’t have to be staring at Killua’s beautiful eyes all day and have to turn around and pretend he’s fine and totally not in love with him.

* * *

Killua doesn’t quite understand how in the world this letter got to him, or even really where it came from. It’s covered in so many stamps and stickers and airmail jargon that he almost can’t even make out his own name under all the ink. But it does say his name and the bellhop that delivered it to their hotel door did place it directly into his hands, so it must be for him. 

Alluka looks at it excitedly, what if it’s a secret mission that someone wants to send him on, or a profession of love from a secret admirer? Killua is a little less excited, images of Illumi imbuing the letter with nen needles and trackers flashing in his mind as he turns the envelope over in his hands. He’d checked the bellhop for needles, though, and hadn’t found any, so he supposes they’re safe from a hidden attack from their older brother. 

“Well, open it already!” Alluka squeals, practically brimming with energy as she peers over Killua’s shoulder. “If you don’t, I will!” 

“Now hold on a second you brat, it’s addressed to me. Not you,” Killua retorts, sliding a finger under the mummified flap and tearing carefully at the layers of stickers and glue. This thing has probably traveled more than they have, judging by the state of the envelope. It’s kind of a miracle that it found him. 

Killua pulls out a neatly folded stack of papers, whoever wrote this letter seemed to have a lot to say. Alluka gasps when she reads the first lines, retreating to her bed and assuring Killua that it really is meant for him and not her. When he begins reading, he understands. 

_Hi Killua, you’re probably never going to read this since I don’t know where you are or really how to mail things properly, but hello!!_

Judging from the handwriting, the frog scrawled on the upper right-hand corner of the sheet, and the utter Gon-ness of the greeting, Killua can only conclude it’s from him. Why he decided to write rather than call is beyond him, and how he managed to get it to him is even more of a mystery. 

_I hope you and Alluka are somewhere tropical and warm, I know how much you hate the cold despite claiming you can totally handle it :P_

He scoffs, glancing out the window at the snowdrifts adorning the roofs of the adjacent buildings. Alluka had wanted to show Nanika snow for the first time, and try winter sports besides, so now he’s ended up on top of a frozen mountain in the middle of winter in this half of the world. Killua wonders if there’s anything he wouldn’t do for his sister. 

_Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you! Basically, one of the gazillion homework assignments Aunt Mito had for me when I got back to Whale Island was to write a letter to the person I most admire, and after a lot of thinking and failed attempts, I realized that person was Killua!!_

_I tried writing to Ging, but he sucks and I don’t really admire him anymore… I’ll have to tell you about that next time we talk. I also tried writing to Aunt Mito and that didn’t feel right either, for some reason. I sat for forever and tried to think of someone else, and you popped up! I guess I can’t get you out of my mind sometimes._

This brings a flush to Killua’s cheeks, and he’s grateful that Alluka decided not to sit with him and read it too. 

_I kept thinking about how I couldn’t have ever asked for a better first friend than you, and I hope you feel the same. You just looked so cool that first day on your skateboard! I never thought by just looking at you that you’d want to be my friend but I am so glad you did._

_I wanted to thank you for talking to me that day and for everything else you did for me since. I know you said once that friends don’t thank friends, but I’m breaking that rule so deal with it!! You stuck by me from the beginning, even when you didn’t have a real goal you put up with me and all my stuff for so long… I’m really glad you wanted to travel with me after the exam because those adventures with you will always be some of my favorite memories._

_That whole thing with your brother at first almost made me think you didn’t want to be my friend, which is the stupidest thing ever I can’t believe I thought that! It’s a good thing I snapped out of that and that Leorio and Kurapika were able to help me rescue you from your family, or else the rest of my life would be so boring…_

_I’m rambling now, aren’t I? I guess that’s sort of the point of this assignment, to get me to think about why you mean so much to me and why I admire you so much. But the truth is, I think about you all the time, so I don’t really know how this is supposed to be any different!_

Killua is very, very glad Alluka didn’t join him. 

_Anyway, as I sit here and write this thing, I’m realizing a lot of things. And I’m kind of glad you aren’t here right now or this would be super embarrassing!! Also that you won’t read this letter ever. That would be worse._

_The first thing I’m figuring out tonight is that you mean the most to me out of any person I have ever met. Yeah, I love my aunt and grandma and they’ve given me so so much. And Leorio and Kurapika and Bisky are also super important to me. Oh, and Nanika and Alluka too!! Am I missing anyone else??_

_~~I HAD A POINT.~~ _

_Okay, yes. The point is, all those people have given me so much and taught me so much and I will always always love them. But you’re different. You taught me what it means to have and be a best friend. I didn’t have anyone on the island so getting to know you was honestly kind of scary! I was like, what if he hates me or thinks I’m annoying or doesn’t actually want to be my friend??? Besides someone as pretty as you would never want anything to do with someone like me… I sometimes still think stuff like that and then I realize how dumb that is because I know you respect me and value me and all that._

Reading such confession of doubt in their friendship and in him, even with the assurance that it’s nonsense, Killua can’t help but feel a little panic rise up in his heart. What has he ever done or said to ever make Gon think that he doesn’t want to be around him or stay his friend? He makes a mental note to call him soon to sort this all out. Once he figures out how to stop blushing, that is. 

_The second thing is that being away from Killua really sucks. I keep seeing stuff around me that I think you would love or would gross you out and I turn to show you and you’re not there. And then I remember you’re halfway across the world chasing down Alluka’s dreams and I get kind of sad that I can’t be there too. I miss your smile and your laugh and even the way you tie your shoes._

_I wonder what kind of things you’re seeing! Have you seen any two-headed bears or giant fish yet? I’m going to be so jealous if you have, everything on the island looks exactly the same as when I left…_

Gon’s ability to change subjects at the drop of a hat still amazes Killua. One would think that Gon has a one-track mind because of the way he is when he gets an idea in his head, but Killua wagers it’s more of a dangerous, multi-level rollercoaster with about seven different endings. And crocodiles. 

_So anyway, the last thing is (and you can’t laugh okay!!!!) is that I think I’m in love with you. It kind of sucks that it took us being apart and a (stupid) homework assignment to make me realize it but you really are the best person in the world and I’m so lucky to know you._

_I know it’s kind of weird and we’ve never talked about dating and stuff since that one time with Palm so I don’t know how you would feel about this kind of thing. You just make me so happy and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do besides travel the world with you and go on all sorts of adventures. But the other stuff too, like holding your hand and going out to dinner, although I guess we used to do that a lot already before. But I think it would be different now!_

_Gosh I’m so bad at this stuff, I feel like I’m not making any sense and if you were to see this you’d probably laugh at me. I’ll probably never tell you in real life, and you’ll never see this anyway, so I guess it’s okay that I get it all out now. (Did I say that already?)_

_And you know what’s even dumber is that I could tell you all these things jokingly because I knew you knew that I was joking but to say it in a real romantic sort of way changes everything. I used to be able to say these things all the time because I didn’t know that I’d mean it in more than a best friends kind of way, isn’t that silly?_

Killua’s mind stops working as he reads and rereads those words over and over again. I think I’m in love with you. Gon is in love with him. And he wrote it to him. He sent him this letter to confess to him while he’s hallway across the globe, freezing his ass off, and a whole travel itinerary away from being able to do anything about it. 

_This letter is getting kind of long and I don’t actually know if I answered the prompt part yet! I guess I can list my favorite things about you. I hope I don’t need to send this in to be graded!!_

  1. Killua is so smart, you always have something neat to say about everything!
  2. You look soooo cool when you do your lightning nen!! I know I’ve never seen the real deal but even the small stuff you used to do was so amazing. I hope you’ll show me the full extent of it someday.
  3. Your eyes are the prettiest things I’ve ever seen. I’m not even joking they look like the lake near my house on the brightest day of summer but like if you dumped a whole bunch of sapphires into it. Or something.
  4. I love the way you care so much about Alluka, Killua is the best big brother she could ever ask for.



_Okay I’m gonna stop or else I won’t ever stop and this is getting super embarrassing. I guess I’ll end it by saying I hope someday if I get the courage to actually tell you this, that you might feel the same way. If not, I guess that’s cool too, as long as we can stay friends I wouldn’t mind pushing aside these feelings so I can stay by your side._

_Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to thank you for staying by my side during the whole Kite thing. I know I didn’t make it easy for you and I said some things I shouldn’t have, but I really appreciate you sticking with me through it all. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to have fought beside me, even if I seemed ungrateful at the time._

_I am so lucky to have met you and I miss you so much every day, even though it was my idea to split up. I probably don’t have the right to say that, but it’s true. I hope we can meet soon. I love you._

_Gon._

Killua doesn’t even know where to begin after having reached the end of the letter. There is so much information reeling in his head and his cheeks are practically on fire for how much he’s blushing. 

He wants to ignore this. He wants to believe that it wasn’t meant for him and that every instance of his name and every identifying factor in the letter was meant to describe someone else, but it doesn’t, and he can’t, and suddenly the room feels much too small. 

He quickly deposits the pages on the coffee table in front of him and stands, causing Alluka to look up from the book she is reading and shoot him a puzzled look. It’s all he can do to mumble some hurried excuse about wanting fresh air before he’s jogging out the door and into the cold. 

Really, he’s not sure why he’s so upset. Well, perhaps upset isn’t the right word—he’s confused. Why would Gon write him such an emotional letter, claim he’ll never read it, and then send it anyway? Is this some sort of joke? It’s not like Gon to be cruel but that’s what this feels like, some cruel prank that’s been played to get him to confess back only to be shot down. 

The faint possibility that it truly could be a ploy by Illumi, or any other twisted member of his family for that matter, to find and capture Alluka rolls around in his head like a marble. Killua glances around at the snow that surrounds him, halfheartedly looking for any indication of something wrong or that he’s being watched. He knows this is probably not the case, but stranger things have happened. 

“Brother!” he hears Alluka shout from a distance, “You didn’t even take a coat you idiot!” At once the chill settles in his bones, he’s only just realized that she’s right. He shivers as she trudges her way over with his coat in one hand and Gon’s letter in the other. 

“I know I shouldn’t meddle but judging by your reaction this letter is kind of a big deal, isn’t it?” she asks, handing him the coat and leafing through the pages. “What are you going to do?” 

What is he going to do? 

Alluka sighs, “Looks like we’re going to Whale Island then.” She neatly folds the paper and tucks it into Killua’s pocket. “You obviously want to talk to him, and this is no conversation to have over the phone.” 

He knows she’s right, but Killua can’t shake the feeling that he’s letting his sister down by cutting their trip short on account of his uncertain feelings toward Gon’s sudden confession. 

As if reading his mind, Alluka shakes her head, “In no way are you letting me down here. If anything, you’re going to be insufferable until you talk this out, so this is really the best thing to do right now. Look, I didn’t read the whole letter, but I did see an ‘I love you’ in there and that’s kind of huge. I know you’ve had feelings for him for a while, no matter how much you try to ignore it or hide it from me. Even Nanika can tell!” She raises an eyebrow at him, “We won’t let you use us as an excuse to avoid talking about your feelings.” 

“I’m not!” Killua splutters, flushing red and mussing his sister’s hair. “In any case, I don’t even know if he meant what he wrote in that letter. He kept saying I’d never read it, for all I know he’s just practicing confessing to someone else or something.” 

Alluka rolls her eyes before starting back toward their room, “Whatever you say, brother. Although, you and I both know that’s a lie.” 

Killua trudges along behind her, the letter burning a hole in his pocket, begging whatever powers that be to please be gentle with him.

* * *

Gon is cleaning his room for what feels like the third time this week at the behest of his aunt, she’s really getting stricter with the house rules these days. The chores he once did without complaint and honestly kind of enjoyed are starting to feel boring and monotonous. Back when his world was limited to what he could see from the shoreline, he would have zipped through all his tasks and escaped into the forest behind the house. Now, however, even the great green expanse of his childhood is starting to feel claustrophobic, and it doesn’t help that Aunt Mito fusses at him every other day that his room is a mess. 

He glances at the clutter on his desk and supposes she’s got a point, sighing as he straightens up all the notebooks and papers he’s scattered everywhere. He finds his hunter license among the papers and remembers he should keep that safe, struggling to remember why he had taken it out in the first place.

Oh yeah, he remembers, he needed it for some Association paperwork that he’d sent off last week. He flicks the corner twice before turning and dropping it in the drawer with the Greed Island card and the letter. 

Except the letter isn’t there. 

No, that can’t be. He’s certain he left Killua’s letter in there months ago when he’d finished it, sure that it would never see the light of day again. He rummages through the drawer, even going so far as pulling it out completely and dumping its contents onto his bed. 

Paladin’s Neckace, his license, a small flashlight, the golden chocorobo from Yorknew. 

The letter isn’t there. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god!” he shouts, anxiety rising in his throat like bile. Or maybe it is bile. He’s not sure, but he is sure that he’s absolutely screwed if anyone reads that letter. 

“What’s wrong, Gon?” Mito shouts from downstairs where she’s likely folding laundry or playing solitaire on the kitchen table. 

“Uh…” Gon struggles to find the right words to say, how to ask his aunt about the letter without giving away its contents. “Did you by any chance… find an envelope with Killua’s name on it recently?” 

He hears her clogs coming up the stairs as she replies, “Oh, actually I did! I was tidying up your room a couple of months ago, you really should do that more often it’s a mess in here constantly—” 

“The letter?” Gon interrupts, becoming increasingly aware of the likelihood of his worst nightmare coming true. 

“Yes, anyway I put it in the mail for you,” she finishes, placing a hand on her hip and leaning against the doorframe. “You have no idea how hard it is to find that boy, I understand why you didn’t send it right away!” 

Gon’s vision tunnels and it’s all he can do to glance out the window and focus on a bluebird in the yard. 

“You what?” he shouts. “Why would you do that?”

He hears his aunt take in a sharp breath, “What’s the problem here? Why are you so upset about this?”

Gon turns around to face her, “That was just an assignment! He was never supposed to read that letter, I didn’t mail it because I don’t want him to see it!” 

“Oh,” is all Mito can reply with. Gon’s reaction is enough of an indicator to her of what he wrote in that letter, and she feels a little bad for mailing it without asking. Even if it did take her two weeks to figure out how and where to send it. “I had no idea, I didn’t—why in the world would you address it to him if you didn’t want it mailed?” She looks as though she’s about to throw her shoe at his head. 

“Because I don’t—” Gon is cut off by the sound of someone knocking at the front door. His eyes meet his Aunt Mito’s, and they freeze, waiting for another knock. 

It can’t be. No really, it can’t be, because if it is, Gon will find the nearest cliff and promptly throw himself off of it because he is not ready to deal with the consequences of Killua learning the truth about his feelings. This is exactly the reason why he much prefers problems that can be solved with his fists or a game of kickball, conversation does not come naturally to him, especially about his own thoughts and emotions. 

“I’ll go see who it is,” Aunt Mito says, backing out of the room. Gon is praying to whatever gods may be listening to please, for the love of everything, let that be anybody but Killua. 

“Oh, Alluka, Killua, it’s such a surprise to see you! Please, come in and have a seat while I go get Gon,” he hears his aunt say from the front door. Yup. He’s doomed.

* * *

Killua lets himself be dragged up the hill by Alluka while he tries his very hardest to forget why they came here and ignore the incredible weight of the envelope in his pocket. Alluka had insisted that they take the first ship to Whale Island to sort this whole thing out and while he really appreciates all the support, he’s starting to feel like he’s about to pass out from all the pressure being placed on him here. 

They make it to the front path and Killua stops, rooted to the ground in front of the small wooden gate that’s separating his past from his future. Really, they should turn around now while Gon still doesn’t know they’re here and just forget this whole thing ever happened. 

Alluka rolls her eyes, knowing exactly what’s running through his head as she pushes him through the gate and onto the stoop by the door. 

“Alluka, seriously, this is such a bad idea,” Killua splutters, a last-ditch effort to preserve whatever amount of dignity he still has. “Let’s just go.” 

Before Alluka can answer, they hear a commotion coming from inside the house, “Why are you so upset about this?” 

They look at each other, surprised by the outburst. 

“That was just an assignment! He was never supposed to read that letter, I didn’t mail it because I don’t want him to see it!” Gon’s voice comes muffled through the door. 

Oh gods. Killua’s worst nightmares are coming true, Gon doesn’t feel the way he sounded like he did in the letter and he’s about to confirm it without Killua even needing to ask. 

“Why in the world would you address it to him if you didn’t want it mailed?” Mito retorts. Now this is a valid question, Killua muses in the back of his mind. 

“Because I don’t—”

Whatever Gon was going to say next is drowned out by the sound of knocking. Killua is about to appreciate the humor of the interruption except that he realizes the knock was his sister and the pause was because they know he’s here now and, gods, there’s no turning back now. 

“Why would you do that” he hisses, grabbing his sister by her shoulders and giving her a light shake. “Can’t you hear they’re totally fighting about this right now? We should’ve just left when we had a chance, now they know and I’m going to have to hear Gon tell me it was a mistake and—” 

“Oh, Alluka, Killua, it’s such a surprise to see you! Please, come in and have a seat while I go get Gon,” Aunt Mito says cheerfully as she swings the door open wide and herds the two of them inside. “What a pleasure to see you both, what brings you to town?” 

“Oh, nothing really,” Alluka says with a smile, “Killua just wanted to see Gon, he has something he really wants to tell him, don’t you brother?” She pinches him hard on the arm as Mito makes toward the stairs. 

“Yuh-yeah,” Killua stutters, scarcely able to breathe now that he’s moments away from confronting Gon. “That’s uh, why we’re here. To see Gon. And Alluka wanted to see the island.” 

A second passes before he adds, “Sorry for the intrusion.” 

“It’s no trouble at all sweetheart, we are always happy to have you!” Mito replies sweetly, wringing her hands despite her cheerful disposition. She turns around, seemingly to shout for Gon to come down the stairs, but he’s already descending, and time is moving too quickly, and Killua meets Gon’s eyes hesitantly. 

“Gon,” he whispers. He’s kicking himself for not having literally anything else to say in this moment, but all his nerve endings are firing and it’s all he can do not to turn around and disappear back down the path. 

“Hey Killua,” Gon replies, running a hand sheepishly through his hair. “I guess you got my letter, huh?”

* * *

The two of them decide to go for a walk before saying anything, both hoping to figure out what exactly it is they want to say before they make it to their destination. 

Killua blindly follows Gon through the woods, too focused on the now crumpled paper that sits in his jacket pocket and all that it could mean for them. He’s read and reread the letter more times than he’s willing to admit by now, searching for any kind of hidden meaning or double entendres in Gon’s words that could save him the humiliating experience of clearing up this whole misunderstanding. 

He wants so desperately for Gon to have meant it, for Gon to truly love him. He had almost convinced himself there was a chance it was true, until the moment at the door when Gon had shouted that he wasn’t meant to read it, that he never wanted Killua to receive it. He’s not even sure he wants to unpack whatever Gon was about to say before Alluka knocked. 

By his own part, Gon is also wrestling with his mind as they walk. Thankfully, he knows the path to their cliff by heart and can focus on other things without getting lost. The fact that Killua is here right now could mean one of two things: he reciprocates the feelings Gon expressed in the letter, or he’s about to politely turn him down and ask that they forget the whole thing. He’s willing to bet anything that it’s the latter, judging by the look on Killua’s face when he’d made it downstairs. 

Gon honestly wouldn’t mind if Killua were to let him down easy and ask him to never bring this up again in that gentle way of speaking that he seemingly reserves just for him. It would be the best-case scenario, he thinks, if they can just move past this and stay friends without things getting too uncomfortable. He’s certain that if Killua were to laugh at him, or express feelings of distaste or discomfort at the idea that Gon has feelings for him, he’ll die on the spot. 

With both boys caught up in their own thoughts, it comes as a surprise when they realize they’ve arrived at their destination. They quietly take a seat where they had lain so many years ago in the starlight and agreed to travel the world together, both painfully aware of the meaning of the area but choosing to push that aside in favor of the tension that floats between them. 

Killua pulls out the envelope, now torn from being worried between his fingers during countless rereads of its contents, its long journey not helping its cause. 

“I need you to explain this,” he starts softly. They don’t need a campfire today; the day is sunny and clear, and the light reflects in Gon’s eyes and lights them up like molten amber. Killua’s heart thumps lightly in his chest as he watches the cogs turning in Gon’s head, searching for answers. 

“You said I wasn’t supposed to see this,” he prompts again. “I don’t know if this is some kind of joke or a practice thing for somebody else, but I want to understand.” 

Gon takes a deep breath, “So this was an assignment for the correspondence school Aunt Mito enrolled me in. We don’t have any high schools here since I’m the only kid to live here in a really long time so I’m catching up on all that and the Hunter Association paperwork via mail.” He pauses, aware he’s rambling and that it’s unlike him, but the words keep coming. 

“Anyway, I was supposed to write a letter to the person I admire the most, like I said in the letter,” he continues, pulling at the grass next to his leg. “And I tried Ging, and I tried my aunt, but then I landed on you.” 

“I know, Gon. You said it,” Killua says. “That’s not what I’m asking.” A pause.

“It started like it always does when I think about you or am talking to you, I just wanted to tell you how cool I think you are and thank you for everything you’ve done for me,” Gon says. “And then, it just… changed? I guess that’s the best way to describe it, one minute I was thinking about how awesome your skateboarding is and the next I was realizing that everything about you is awesome.” 

“And it’s fine that you don’t feel the same way, I can deal with that, really. What I wouldn’t be able to deal with is if you said you didn’t want to be my friend anymore,” he whispers, ripping up a particularly large clump of grass. “So, let’s forget this whole thing, right?” He flashes a dazzling smile at Killua, and he feels his heart squeeze in a mildly painful way. 

“But why did you send it then? If you didn’t want me to know?” Killua asks, still confused at the events that brought them here. 

“Oh yeah, gosh it was the stupidest thing! Aunt Mito saw it in my drawer and thought it was actually supposed to go to you. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have put it in the envelope,” Gon replies with a sad smile. “Somehow, she figured out where you were and how to get it to you, isn’t that crazy? I can’t even do that!”

Gon stands and stretches, looking anywhere but Killua, “Let’s head back, yeah? Killua’s probably tired from all the travel.” He holds a hand out to help Killua up. “Sorry this ended up being a wasted trip.” 

“It’s not,” Killua says, taking his hand but pulling him back down to sit. “You haven’t let me talk yet.” The slight flush that colors Gon’s cheeks is something Killua doesn’t see often, so it catches him off-guard. He looks away. 

“So, what you meant to say by all of that is that you meant what you wrote and it was definitely meant for me, but you still didn’t want me to know?”

Gon sighs, “Yeah, kind of. I didn’t think it was fair to dump all of that on you while you’re traveling with your sister. And look! It ruined your trip and now you’re here instead of there and you’re uncomfortable.” 

“Would you have told me eventually?” Killua asks, the pace of his heart picking up a little as he looks into Gon’s eyes, who chuckles softly. 

“Who knows? Maybe,” Gon starts. “Like I said, I just don’t want anything to change right now, so maybe I would have said something a few years down the road. This is all so new to me anyway.”

The look Killua gives him is enough to prompt further explanation, “Ugh Killua, I’m not good at this. I’m not good at talking about myself or my feelings, all I know for sure is that I want to stay by your side as long as you’ll let me. That’s enough for me.” 

“You say you’re bad at talking about yourself,” Killua says quietly, “but you haven’t even asked me how I feel. Honestly, I think you’re being a little selfish, rambling on and on about how you feel and what you want. What about what I want?”

Gon looks surprised, “Sorry, I hadn’t realized. Your turn?”

Killua inhales before laying back on the soft grass, “Well, to quote your disaster of a letter, I think I’m in love with you.” 

Gon’s silence would be terrifying if Killua wasn’t looking at him and watching his cheeks bloom in the sunlight. 

“Yeah, so maybe talk to me next time before making all the decisions,” Killua says. “Don’t shut me out again,” he adds softly. 

“Killua…” Gon gasps, yanking both of Killua’s arms so he’s sitting up again. “Do you really mean that?” 

Killua grumbles at his rapid change of position before answering, “Of course. I’d probably write the same letter if I had that assignment. Maybe a little less off topic but you can’t help that, can you?” He flashes a mischievous smile. “But seriously, I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember, but I never found the right time to tell you, and we were just kids, it was all wrong at the time.” 

“I guess we’re both dummies, aren’t we?” Gon asks softly, smiling at Killua whose mischief melts into something sweet. 

“Yeah, I guess we are,” he replies, gingerly taking Gon’s hand. “Now that we’ve established that we both, um, have feelings, let’s agree to take it slow? I don’t want to mess this up, and I still have a lot of traveling to do with Alluka, and you have to finish school and—” 

Gon kisses Killua’s knuckles lightly and nods, “I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this and happy holidays!
> 
> Feel free to come shout at me [on tumblr](https://clood.tumblr.com) I would love to chat with y'all :')


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